The Difference Between a Manager and a Leader Will Be in Their Ability to Eat at a Nice Restaurant Alone

Madusha Ranaweera
2 days ago
5 min read

A few years ago, I watched a movie where a rich, single businesswoman takes herself out to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Everyone gave her sideways glances. The waiter kept asking if someone was joining her. She was visibly uncomfortable.

And the person I was watching it with said: "How can you portray someone as a confident leader if the second they have to eat alone at a nice restaurant, they're an anxious, hurried mess?"

That really got me thinking.

I had never taken myself out to a nice restaurant alone. And honestly? The thought made me uncomfortable too.

So naturally, I had to test it.

The First Test

This year when I was in Toronto, I intentionally set aside time to take myself out to lunch at a nice place.

At first, it was hard. Everyone around me looked professional, polished, busy. I felt the need to whip out my laptop and work while I waited for my food.

And the more time I spent sitting there, the more I realized: nobody cares. Nobody's going to remember you. None of this matters. What's stopping me from being at ease?

But I had to move through the discomfort to get to that place of ease.

It wasn't immediate. I had to sit with the awkwardness. The feeling of being watched (even though I wasn't). The urge to look busy, to justify my presence, to prove I wasn't lonely or lost.

And slowly, those feelings faded. I started noticing the food. The atmosphere. My own thoughts. And I realized the discomfort wasn't about the restaurant at all. It was about me.

The Second Test

More recently, I was in Paris with a few hours to myself. I took myself to a lovely Parisian restaurant. I don't speak French, and the waiter didn't speak English. Which would normally make me anxious.

And this time, I was completely comfortable. No laptop. No phone.

Just a book, a good meal, and zero awareness of anyone else in the room.

I had a great time!

And it made me realize: real leadership begins with self-leadership.

Not the performance of leadership. Not the polished LinkedIn version. But the ability to be fully present and comfortable in your own skin when no one's watching. When it's unfamiliar. When it's uncomfortable.

And that's what comes across as confidence.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

Here's what eating alone at a nice restaurant actually tests:

Can you be comfortable without external validation? Can you exist in a space without performing for an audience? Can you sit with yourself without distraction, without needing to prove something to the room?

Because if you can't, that need for validation will show up everywhere else in your leadership.

You'll need constant affirmation from your team. You'll struggle with criticism. You'll make decisions based on how they'll be perceived rather than what's right. You'll perform confidence instead of actually having it.

Leadership ultimately comes down to people-mastery. And you are a person. You're the first person that needs to be mastered.

Your energy becomes your team's energy. If you can't regulate yourself in a room full of strangers, how do you expect to lead through chaos?

Think about it. If you're uncomfortable being alone with yourself in a public space, what does that say about your relationship with yourself? About your inner stability? About your ability to be grounded when everything around you is uncertain?

The Real Test of Leadership

Honestly, I wish I could make "go have lunch alone at a nice restaurant" part of my interview process. It would tell me everything I need to know.

Can this person sit in discomfort without fleeing? Can they be present without performing? Can they be alone without being lonely? Can they command a space without needing others to validate that they belong there?

Those are the questions that matter. Because leadership isn't about what you do when everyone's watching. It's about who you are when no one is.

It's about the internal groundedness that allows you to stay calm when your team is panicking. The self-assuredness that lets you make unpopular decisions without crumbling. The presence that makes people feel safe even in uncertain times.

And you can't fake that. You can't perform your way into it. You have to actually have it.

What Discomfort Reveals

But since I can't actually make this part of my interview process, I'll just say this:

If you can't sit with yourself in public without fidgeting, performing, or needing a distraction, you're not ready to lead others.

Not because there's something wrong with you. But because leadership requires a level of self-possession that only comes from being comfortable in your own skin. And that comfort only comes from practice.

It's not about the meal. It's about the energy.

It's about whether you need the room to affirm your presence or whether you can simply be present. It's about whether you're looking for external validation or whether you already have internal validation.

And here's the thing: most people never test themselves this way. They avoid situations that make them uncomfortable. They stay in their comfort zones. They surround themselves with people so they never have to be alone.

And then they wonder why leadership feels so hard. Why they struggle with confidence. Why they need so much reassurance.

It's because they've never learned to be comfortable with themselves.

The Practice of Self-Leadership

So here's my challenge to you: take yourself out to a nice restaurant alone.

Not a coffee shop where you can hide behind a laptop. Not a casual place where it's normal to eat solo. A nice restaurant. The kind where you'd normally bring a date or a client.

And just sit there. No phone. No laptop. Maybe a book if you need something, but ideally, just you.

Notice what comes up. The discomfort. The urge to look busy. The feeling of being watched. The need to justify your presence.

And then breathe through it. Stay with it. Let it pass.

Because on the other side of that discomfort is something invaluable: the ability to be fully yourself, regardless of circumstances.

And that's the foundation of real leadership.

Final Thought: Master Yourself First

Real confidence isn't loud. It's not performative. It doesn't need an audience.

Real confidence is quiet. It's being comfortable in your own skin, in any situation, whether anyone notices or not.

And that's what separates managers from leaders. Managers need the structure, the title, the validation. Leaders already have an internal compass that guides them regardless of external circumstances.

So if you want to lead, start by learning to be alone. In public. Without armor. Without performance.

Because the person who can do that? That's someone I'd follow anywhere.